Friday, March 7, 2014

A Wunnerful Weekend: Inconceivable Chess

In an effort to regain a sense of life, humor, and fun, my good friend, Em' and I decided we needed a night of rakish behavior last Saturday.  It involved a makeover for Em'; apparently the last time someone did her makeup she "looked like a hooker" with a bad spray tan (as if there is any other kind...spray tans that is).  Then, we moved onto oysters, milk stout, dinner, tequila, inconceivable chess*, tequila, an oldies and hair metal sing-a-long in my living room, and tequila.  Life, humor, and fun were present in abundance, as were rakishness and Luke Skywalker.

* Inconceivable Chess:

Inconceivable chess is the result of Rita's imagination, b.a.c., and desire to see people in silly hats.  The rules for this game are flexible but should really be written on a flashcard used to study for a written prelim exam stating Roger's notion of the importance of counselor attitude.  As you'll notice in the accompanying photos, it is important to use a durable if not unbreakable chess set in inconceivable chess.  This set happens to be missing both the board and one white knight; perfect!  Enter my canvass board, and the first official inconceivable chess rule:
  • All players must have at least two, but no more than three, "special character" chesspersons, and all players must have the same number of special character pieces.  Special character pieces, however, are not fairy chess pieces and have no special moves.  
I replaced my missing knight with a Jedi Knight, well technically he's just a rebel at this point, but he isn't such a bad pilot himself...I switched out a pawn for a tiny goat.  Em' used a her king, and a ninja as a pawn.  We chose from the random found objects I keep on my mantle.

The other rules of engagement:
  • Play should be accompanied by classic surf rock or champagne music (note: it is ill-advised to try and watch the LWS when playing Inconceivable Chess as the LWS will a) hypnotize you b) remind you of your grandmother and c) reinforce the fact that LW was the most adorable old man ever which leads to point a) in a vicious wunnerful cycle of accordions, batons, and dancers)
  • Any player who loses a piece must take one drink, unless they lost the piece to a special character which results in two drinks.  Any play who loses a special character piece must take three drinks. 
  • Any player who is in check must wear the Tiger hat (or any other appropriately humiliating and awesome head garment).
  • Any time players are mismatched in skill/knowledge (quickly established by asking each to explain basics like en passant, castling, and promoting pawns) the more advanced player must be drinking a higher-proof to level the playing field.
Incidentally, I had to convince Em' throughout the game that en passant, castling, and promoting pawns were real, and so by default this rule was instituted as my beverage was 80 proof, and hers was only 30.  Regardless, Em' tried to commit regicide within the first 6 moves by putting herself in check and was subsequently forced to wear the Tiger hat until adequately shamed.

 The game proceeded like this:

 Ultimately, luck on Em's part (and 12 ounces of very tasty unadulterated reposado) led to this:

I did, however, slay Em' outright in the sing-a-long/dance-a-long post chess game.  I have no photographic or videographic proof to display regarding the singing and dancing, but I standby my knowledge of both oldies (50s and 60s) and hair metal.  I can also do the twist while properly lip syncing.

We're gonna twist and twist and twist until we tear the house down....

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