Have you ever had a Chris Farley freak out? Like, a real, for the love of God, how could you not have had a Chris Farley freak out, freak out? I had one recently. It really highlighted the impact stress can have on a person. It also illuminated the twisted priorities that develop as a graduate student. Now, you may not know who Chris Farley is, which is sad, remedy that. Or you might not understand how a CF freak out would actually look in any place other than the SNL stage. Let me paint you a picture. First, a CF freak out has to be totally random and of a subject matter that is utterly ridiculous. It is also punctuated by seeming extreme emotional investment in something. And it often results in a rough voice afterward. If you click the link above, you should have a very good idea. Now, in some ways, a Chris Farley freak out is kind of like Bill Cosby's description of a conniption (also, Bill Cosby Himself is one of the best comedy albums ever). Either one is fairly accurate for the situation I'm writing about.
If my freak out were a skit, it would have played out like this (yes, I know I'm blending casts):
Rita [Fred Armisen in a wig] and Top Hat (her partner, played by Rob Schneider in a golf hat) are asleep. It's about 5am. Top Hat is totally oblivious to the world; Rita is tossing and turning while mumbling.
Top Hat: (inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale)
Rita: (asleep, tossing, batting at the air) Rrmmg. Nevada, why are you busing people with severe mental health diagnoses and concerns out of state to leave them on the street?
Top Hat: (looks angelic and peaceful) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Rita: (tossing once again) No! iPhone users, you suck. How is it ok to exploit homeless people so you can price gouge foreign buyers?!
Top Hat: (dreaming of a pair of Dahlquist DQ-10 speakers)
Rita: (sits bolt upright fully awake, smacks Top Hat's arm) We don't have any milk!
(cat sleeping on foot of bed promptly falls off)
Top Hat: Huh?! Wha? What? What?!
Rita: We don't have any milk; you didn't get any yesterday!
Top Hat: (looking around in circles trying to understand what the issue is and why his arm hurts) Milk? What? I'll get some at the store tomorrow.
Rita: (morphs into Chris Farley in a very Hulk-esq manner, grabs Top Hat's shirt at the collar and "explains")
IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY MILK, I CAN'T DRINK MY COFFEE!!! IF I DON'T DRINK COFFEE, MY WORK DOESN'T GET DONE. I CAN'T HAVE THAT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I NEED MY COFFEE WHICH MEANS I NEED MILK!! MILK!
Top Hat: (realizing his bed-mate may have gone slightly off the deep end or possibly be in a dream induced rage, giggles nervously and pats Rita on the head while delicately extricating himself from her grasp) Uh, riiigghht, ok. I'll get you milk for your coffee (if I can't find anything stronger). Let's go back to sleep for now.
Rita: Milk! You promise? I have...to have...milk....coffeeeee.....zzzzzzzzzz
Sometimes, it really is the little things that matter. Let the girl have some coffee! I won't even ask to marry your grandmother.